My husband and I are coming up for our 27th wedding anniversary, and it's been a joyous and fulfilling relationship for both of us. I've been thinking lately about the basis for our success, and observing the way people in relationships behave towards each other.
I often see people playing one of three roles towards their partner.
Two of these roles are motivated by good intentions, by people who want to help their partners achieve their potential.
The Improver sees what her partner could be, and tries to help him reach the aspirations she has for him. She coaxes him into activities that she feels are good for him. She might persuade him to apply for a promotion, or tell him go to the gym, or pick out clothes for him to wear.
The Supporter discusses his partner's aspirations with her. He listens to what she wants to achieve and removes roadblocks from her path. He is a shoulder to cry on when she has a setback, and a sounding board for new dreams. He minds the kids so she can go out and sing. He pays her course fees so she can get the Masters Degree she has always wanted.
These roles seem similar at first glance, but have a very different effect on how each person views their relationship and themselves.
The Improver focuses on the gap between what her partner is, and what he could be. She comes to see this gap as his shortcomings. The relationship loses its equality as she begins to see herself as superior. He senses her disapproval and may come to feel inferior. He doesn't necessarily share her vision for his future, so he often resents her attempts to influence his life. He starts to resist her passively or aggressively.
Partners who are Supporters of each other build a relationship on an equal footing. They feel safe to strive towards their own goals, knowing that even if they fail their partner will be there for them. They celebrate their successes together.
The third role, the Competitor, is driven by selfishness. That's the woman who has to prove to her husband that she's smarter than he; the man who feels angry and bitter that his wife earns more money. It prevents them from rejoicing in their partner's successes and results in a continual game of one-up-man-ship.
The secret of our success? We have both striven to eliminate the Competitor, minimise the Improver, and maximise the Supporter.
